The last time I posted a blog was 6 months ago. Like... whuuuuuuut! Is these (even) me? I feel soooo unfair with my blogging hobbies that I was not able to maintain this. Not even a day of spending with a blank page for the last 6 months?! Ugh! I am really sorry, blog, for not sparing you my time and thoughts na dapat ikaw talaga yung sagot sa mga alalahanin ko ehh 😑
But anyways, It IS the last day of the year AGAIN, and this is mandatory, so here I am.
So what am I writing for this year ender blog? ACTUALLY, I have no idea. (Ugh, this is too much 🤦🏻♀️ Lol.)
For a few days, I am contemplating on what happened for this past year. How was my experience, my work, experiences, travels, relationships with people around, etc., and I can’t even think of any that made me a different person today than last year. (Oh, this is too much sad emojis again). I feel so worthless this year.
But you know what? I always feel that I don’t have the audacity to feel really bad about something or anything. I always tell myself na “bakit ang arte mo, eh dapat hindi?” In short, I also feel that I am not “entitled” for the feelings. Parang, ang daming ibang bagay na nangyayari sa’yo na hindi ka dapat mag-inarte ng ganyan, self. I know, I am wayyyy too blessed for the things I need, but I longed also for the things I want, kaya siguro ako naging ganito. Is this good, or is this bad? 😞 This confuses me a lot, and ngayon ko lang nire-reveal ito (maliban sa twitter, haha! Madaming alam twitter account ko kaya do not dare to look for it) (ayyy, nasa side tab ko yata siya. Oh well.)
So ayun nga, there were times that I am too overwhelmed, extremely happy, but there were also times na grabe na yung pagkalungkot ko. Yung wala sa lugar. Yung kung anu-ano na lang ang nasa IG stories ko na halos ma-screenshot na ng friends ko sabay tanong ng “anong problema mo?” na sasagutin mo lang ng “Wala” “I’m fine”. I am okay, but I am not. Charot not charot, ganern.
So anong point ba ng 2018 ko? At anong point ng blog post na ito?
Wala lang. I am still thankful. To everything. To the God above, Who made all things possible. Always naman, just like how I express it every year, in my year ender blogs. Everything happens for a reason and He mean it for the good, perhaps. Hindi ko pa siguro nakikita yung “Silver lining” sa lahat ng dinaramdam ko ngayon, but maybe eventually, sooner or later, these blues would be finally over, and eventually, I’ll be okay with everything.
My wish for this coming year (This might be a new thingy for today’s year ender. 🤔 A wish for next year. Lol.) is for me to be contented with whatever is present. I know that I still have dreams for my career at this age, (kahit feeling ko huling huli na ko). Maybe what I mean to say about contentment is for what I want. My needs are really on need of achieving but my wants are sometimes uncontrollable and in desperation most of the time. I felt hard to make a pass on this thing that I regret it for too much when I did not get it. Perhaps I must learn to control these things so I won’t feel bad if I don’t achieve it at all. (Sobrang lalim naman this, hindi ko alam kung anu anong klaseng mga bagay ba yun, kung bagay ba talaga or...)
My blog was not yet finished here. (Oh di ba kanina walang masabi tapon ngayon kung anu ano na lang hahahaha). Eto talaga yung naisip kong “thought” ng blog ko for today. But I was not sure kung ano (or sino) ba yung dapat kong i-connect... oh well, you know Ariana Grande’s song, right?
One taught me LOVE
I know they’re not just one but they were too many to mention. I was not supposed to reveal some “one” who I thought that also taught me a different kind of love, but, you already get it. Yes there is One. No, I don’t mean some kind of romantic relationship but let’s just say (I was taught about) things that you might do ‘cos you love someone blah blah blah, it sounded clichè, but in a different way. The bad thing is, I started to go back to my over dramatic pessimistic self and I don’t wanna go back to that cycle, to that phase but it has already started. Love is a good thing. My feelings are not.
One taught me PATIENCE
I have plenty of these! In all aspect of life. I can probably just wait ‘til forever. This is self taught. But probably, I had this phase this year on *cues Coldplay song* “Yeaaaaah, how long must you wait for it... Yeaaaah” But all the wait has it’s worth. Or not.
One taught me PAIN
Yeah, the thing that is inevitable in my life: Pain. Kaya siguro sobra sobra yung pag-iinarte ko, ‘cos some things Pains me a lot! Maybe because I did not get what I want. Maybe because I was (always) expecting too much of myself, of other people, of other person’s feeling towards me (charot!). Life sucks. Pain exist, and this sh*t’s still amazing. It would make you a better person. And whyyyy in the world should you focus on pain while there were other things you deserve to have? Ayun. I always tell myself that but I would silently cry inside with tears that would not fall. But you know what is the most painful part? That is when you realize that it is important when it’s gone.
Okaaaay the blog had too much drama now, as well as nonsense thing-y-s haha! Well, thank you very much for a reading well-spent again. (nga ba? hahahaha!). I am really sorry if I was not in the mood to fix this blog with special characters etc., lol. But dear Lord, please do give me the talent, and the time, and the energy, and the kasipagan to blog more again next year.
Since this blog has Kadramahan > Significant Life events, I have done an IG stories about some special events that happened to me this year, so if it happens, please do visit my IG account so you could view these stories 🔜: @mhayemaimai and if it happens to past the 24 hour limit, I’ll put it on Highlights so you could view them.
But I’m still freaking grateful (not for my ex hahahah)
HAPPY NEW YEAR AGAIN, EVERYONE!
xoxo, mai
