I am battling with myself right now. Whether I should put this in pure english language or I'll just translate it later. But nah. I also battling between writing or just let this pass away. I battle about what should I feel or how should I handle this kind of things, I mean, this was way beyond normal. This is not normal. I should feel devastated. I should be feeling sad. I should be bawling or crying my heart out. Not because it hurt, or rather not only because it really hurt, but because there's something gone. There's something you held on for so long and you have to let it go because you have to. Because things have its end.
But you are just here, lying down in an open space, feeling plain, feeling nothing, feeling bare. You just stare on your ceiling and juggling your thoughts.
Or are you just doing this to compensate yourself? Are you doing this because you were shielding yourself from pain? Why are you not shocked? Ahhhh, you knew it. You just waited for it.
What just happened to you was a lesson, from not paying attention to what is really happening around you. From being insensitive about something or everything. Yes. That is how insensitive you were. You end up hurting others. You had told once to minimize. But you still thought doing little things to show that you still care and to maintain what has left of you and that was already minimal to you. But you were wrong. Little things, when combined, became big ones.
And that was enough to make a mistake.
Should i fix? Or is there still something to fix?
Nah, I think you had enough. You might cause further damage if you move. So it is best to just stay, and behave, and do nothing.
And for a few seconds I am lost. What if things go back the way they used to be? How come things became not normal at all? Do I really know what was right or wrong? Did I do it all wrong?
Is this karma to those you have just talked but acted like a bitch? Now you felt sorry but it's too late, it was unacceptible?
And now you have to just let it go and be sorry to yourself. The damage has been done.
