Another year of ups and downs will come to an end. There would be another year to face, and today is about time to post my traditionally yearend blog. Haha. It was not an easy year for me, kabaligtaran of what I had expected. Sorry if this post would be more of a down turner. Besides considering it a devastating year, i was also writing it with a depressed mood. Sorry.
As I had told, yes, it was devastating. But every story has its lesson learned. I'll make it a little bit short, for I may be crying a bit at the midst of composing it.
SAME CAREER, NEW CHALLENGES
The year started me with a bang on my career. I am still working as a community health nurse, but I am (was) now on a contract with greater compensation. It was overwhelming, grateful thing to start of. I know I will be loving my career more, and will be able to make my parents proud. As I work hard, I was able to learn more of the programs that I am aware, yet, cannot be able to put on practice before, but now I can, was delegated to task independently, and stress myself (yes, stress myself. Wala e, it was always with me) to the job. Made few and more friends, develop a good teamwork with my colleagues, and voice out what the job description has to do with me. Yes. There were times that I have to fight for what I think my contract job has to do with us, and I may sound disrespectful most of the time fighting for that matter. Despite of it, i am grateful to them (my bosses) because they had let me talk, understand and put my opinions to consideration, and I succeed to make a good deal between them, both parties to benefit. It was a chaotic work environment, but I develop a good sense of being my second family with them. I was working with them for about three years now. Many times I have thought of giving up. But I stay and work with them with flexibility, by the fact that at the end of this year, I was awarded by the facility with NDP of the year, maybe because of the most number of deliveries. (Jusko. Haha) Still grateful having this career and the workmates. Still hoping to stay for another year contract.
BLOOD WILL BE ALWAYS THICKER THAN WATER
My family was not as big (and extended) as any other families. We just reunite whenever the situation calls (on my father's side, every November 1st, when we have to visit the elders at cementery). Sometimes, and you'll never know, reunions may be the last.
At the moment, I was tested to few things: my ability to nurse a family member (my tito), even if to see them at that situation breaks your heart, my faith, my patience, and my courage to bind my family despite of the distance and hindrances. I felt myself to be at my lowest, physically, mentally and emotionally, etc. I barely sleep and eat at the hospital premises for more than two weeks, changing places with my mother, helping her thoughout my tito's hospitalization and everything, I go to work late, and go out early, my social life was spared, my daily routine had vanished for a while. My thoughts were as bad as hell, prayed wrongly, for I was desperate for hard things to end, just to achieve peace with everything. My heart was filled with anger, seeing my mom suffering alone with the situation. Still at the end, I repent with what I blurted badly, for treating them without understanding them. The situation hurted me so bad, that when my tito died, it was the peace we all wanted, it was like answered prayer. I was still sorry, but I was also grateful to God, He had tied up my family stronger. That it was still family that will be on the go to help whenever the situation calls. It was still family whom you'll be with whatever happens. It was still family whom you'll love.
LOST AND CAN NEVER BE FOUND
This made my year so devastating. I had lost so many things, material things, special people in my life, etc. Though I was always told that "May magandang kapalit yan" I was so frustrated because I was way too sentimental. I cried a lot when I lost my bag while on duty. I didn't mind the money that I'd lost, but the planner, the black notebook (with important notes related to my work journals) and my license was way too hard to lose.
Losing people was way harder. I mentioned my tito earlier; my ninong's death was another. It feels like it was way too hard to bear to see my father had lost his bestfriend, the one he's been talking through phone and talked for hours about anything and everything, his spiritual adviser, etc. I can still remember days before his interment, his body lies at Don Bosco Church in Makati, where I was baptized. He was my favorite ninong. He would be the first acquaintance congratulating me with my success, asking me how i had been dealing with work and all and encouraging me. He was a great godfather.
And there was losing love...
DEALING WITH RELATIONSHIPS
For the past few years and way back college, the depths of friendship and building relationships with people was not a big deal to me. Until this year, I learned what's in between.
I commit a relationship with a guy I love, and talking about losing love, we never succeed in trying to make the relationship last. I was on the hunt of what this relationship really means, despite of the conflicting schedules, losing time with each other, bare talks, etc. I am that kind of person who do not reciprocate what was not done upon me. I mostly end the day grumpy because I did not recieve a single personal message from him, missing him that much, and it feels like I was not missed back. They asked me to try something that I should initiate, for in that way, he may realize my worth. I tried a bit, I was not on the courage to do it, and it doesn't work at all, and it was too late. I was not the one who broke up, but that is what I really want to, but I can't because I was scared. I was way too bitter knowing that he told someone that I was the one who broke up with him (now you know and thank you to my breaking-up-tone-twitter-posts). I don't know if I was still on the process of moving on, or I had move on. There's just one thing I know: I'm okay with a day seeing him and not talking to him but I can't stand seeing him longer. People can joke around us, but I don't bother anymore. So sorry but past lovers cannot become friends anymore. (Friends sa facebook, pwede)
Bestfriendships: has anyone believe that you can turn friends to bestfriends in an instant? Been there, done that. It was just because of me going through a lot of stress and serious problems, and him, (yes i have now a guy bestfriend) going through a lot of heart and self dillemas, and we had each other on the other line for weeks, sharing secrets and all, realizing that having each other on the side despite of all the lows of life would make it better. The thing is, we have to keep it to ourselves as possible to avoid people's judgement; to avoid people who will keep on telling us that "hey, we won't believe that it was just bestfriends so shut up". It was a hard thing to bear, but we kept the friendship last.
He was my ego booster, my knight in shining armor, my confidante, my clown, my pseudoboyfriend. Having a guy bestfriend had made me to learn many things; one is he made me understand guys a few more (and guys are also emotional like girls, and guys also cries so hard. Haha),to be more corageous and "maabilidad sa buhay" etc. It was easy to fall in love with him, being such a great person, but then I told myself I won't and I'll stick to that. There were times that made me think and assessed my feelings, but at the end, 'no' would be a better answer. There was only one thing that I really want, and that is to become free from other people's speculation when it comes to this bestfriend thingy. As I was composing this post, we are on that process, and I am grateful that those people whom we thought would say anything so, still accept the fact. I was ashamed, that he was the one who do the talking (without me) at that time, and had to bear all the feedbacks. I was on the merge of thoughts of breaking up the bestfriendship and degrading it to just friends because (1) there were things (breaking trust, abruptly changing decisions, etc.) I had done that doesn't deserve me to be a bestfriend at all (2) I don't want to end up being other girl's jealousy.
I know he was aware of everything. I am super thankful of having him as my gbf (guy bestfriend) and I still hope to have him as my bestfriend longer than everyone could ever imagine, even though he'll be entering a relationship soon.
I know these guys will be reading this soon. I am sorry if I was such a trash to make these relationships-turned-sh*ts. I was not strong enough to hold on.
24 PROBLEMS
Do you ever noticed that there were no post about my 24th birthday? Yes, there was none, because I just spend my entire 24th birthday on bed, crying myself to sleep. Maybe because I accidentally wished for a longer sleep, and I was throwing tantrums (and was returned back at me, and a silent world war III had broke between me and my parents) on a birthday celebration matter. What a happy birthday with no candles to blow, and no special thing to celebrate.
Still, I had recieved late presents (actually silly and funny) and long messages on facebook from my close friends. Still grateful for another year, and will look forward for another...patiently.
JUSTICE AND JUDGMENTS
For the past few years, I was way too humble, that I cannot fight for what I think was right. I was surrounded with different people who had strong personalities and I adapt to them. But by this time that I was the one who was about to fight, I felt I was judged. Yes, with the hyper toned voice I had, it felt like I was way too "mayabang" "bossy" or "mapangmataas" "laging galit". Guilty by plead, I was doing actions and blurting words without further scanning them and ending up hurting people.
There, I was way high-pitched, stress-looking, and then it was followed by "masungit". Ok. That was me. Haha.
Then, some people won't understand how hard it is to do this certain nursing job. Nurses undergo a fast decision making when it comes to emergency situation, and one mistake will lead to many speculation. I hope they do understand the sacrifices and effort that has been done on trying to save someone's life, before you tell nurses how "t*ng*" they are. We know what to do. We always ask and inform patient's safeguard and consequences between situations because we also avoid malpractices and negligence. We do actions and we never just stare while you suffer from all sorts of pain. We advice what's best thing to do. But the blame was still on us because we never pleased you after taking things to considerations.
And, even if they asked about you and the situation of your heart, and you keep on telling them you're okay, and just laugh with it (and you were joking bitter tones) they won't believe you and insist that you are not. Haha. Okay. #nagtanongkapa #ehwalanakongpake
At the end, I'm sorry, I was just a person who can never please anybody.
MATURITY, EMOTIONS, IMMATURITY
"Tumatanda yata akong paurong. Kung kelan naging bentekwatro saka nag-aasal bata."
That was one line I told my friend few weeks back, and we just laughed about it because its true. When we are having late night fb convos with my guy bestfriend, most of the time, I was way too emotional that we were blackmailing each other with "Sige mag-emote ka pa, hindi ako kakain". Sorry gbf, I know I was such a headache for asking too much attention, that even encouraging me so hard, it won't help.
By this time I was composing this post, I deactivated my facebook account...again! My hormones are not helping me to find myself back. I can't understand why I'm acting childish. It felt like a stab in my heart. It was supposedly a happy new year, but I was on my low side today. I may end my year with this (last ko na to) but not starting another year staying like this. Just wanted to be alone for a while. (for 12 hours. Lol) Cant understand why im acting like this. Maybe i have #clingyprobs with people I feel going too far from me, losing them at contact. Maybe I had been too tired with all the bullsh*ts and stress, at home and at work. I wanna cry so hard but I can't. Tired of being too emotional, but can't find reasons to stay happy.
But i have these people in my life who taught me how to think mature, because it was how they act. They had this mindset of reality. And they woke me up from my dream. I became overwhelmed with happiness that i forgot to think that i was way beyond from what is real. Having life of your own, your future, your self existence is the real thing. I just turned 24. I am 24. I should be going through stability. I should be facing adulthood. I should be thinking of what's ahead of me by utilizing what I have today. They were way acting too emotional than me, but they show me what's real in life, what's with the present. Life's not a chill thing but you should work on it slowly and certain things would fall upon on the right place, at the right time.
Okay, enough with the woes and everything. This was me telling myself to get up and better have a new year's resolution, right? To overturn things and put them in organize. To woke up and seize every day. To start coping up. Accept to let go things and never wait for them to be back like they've used to. To cut down overthinking and depression. To find the joy you've been longing for. To don't stress yourself to what people say upon you. To take care of those who love you. To have stonger faith and courage. To put an effort to get more closer to God.
Thank you for those people who had been part of this year. I've been with so many faces and places as well.
To 2015 and beyond.
Happy (almost) New Year. :)
-Maimai-
ig: @mhayemaimai
