It's been exactly a week, since he's been officially out of my life and we end up being just friends. It was a heartbreaking event: my very first heartbreak, but there were no more tears to be shed. It was when i am on my own world, at my own dimension, where i feel the most sadness, the most empty feeling, the hurtful fact that we failed to love each other, and even we end up to friends, the friendship-relationship was not the same as to before we've been as a couple.

I wrote this blog, not only because I wanted to spill out the worst of all feelings, but also to share how i am moving on with the situation with exclusion of the hatred, bitterness, anger, negativities, etc. Because I always wanted to continue living everyday without them. Because I am so tired and so used of those feels, and nothing good happened. Because I know, God had taught me to eliminate those negative feelings, and live life with peace and humbleness, even though life has been rough to me.

So I let myself spent the free living, letting in the short happy moments to be with me every day. It might brought the anger to my father that i was spending most of my time outside, spending much here and there. I may be sorry for it, that I was not able to tell him the truth why am I doing these. But I am grateful because he let me go wherever, even I came home a bit late at night.

My week had gone like this:
First day: Went to SM North EDSA with my bestfriend, visit the Fully Booked and buy Papa Jack's second published book: #EINTLAMOWPJ, ate at Slappy Cakes, do a bit of window shopping, talk at the longest times, reminisced thoughts of him
Second day: duty; read and finished the book
Third day: went to RHU, signed our evaluation forms, shop for new scrubsuits, and do grocery with babycake at mercury drug. Haha.
Fourth day: went again to RHU, brought the printed contracts to be submitted to district office, went to marikina to look at those cute flats and sandals we saw over instagram, went malling and afford myself to have new pair of shoes and a bag
Fifth day: duty
Sixth day: went on an IMAX movie screening of Transformers 4 with a guy friend (ok, they call it a date, but no, i think i'm just hanging out)
Seventh day: this is where I spend the day inside the house (oh finally!), until i was out again and attended a meeting at work; and had talks with babycake
Eight day: so here I am, hanging out with my college barkada for a birthday celebration, chillin' and having talks with them.

I don't know if how long will I live like these before I'll finally realize that things were not as good as it can be, but I should stay strong, and continue to live as normal like how I had done this week. It's as if, whenever I am with a friend, or I went to places, my soul was spending the time seeing things that pleased her. But whenever my alone time would approach, my soul would go back to live on my own body, who had been hurt badly, and sadness will creep again, and i could still feel the pieces of my heart being picked one by one, trying to be fixed piece by piece. Until i fell asleep at night, waking up each morning, thinking of another adventure to conquer for the day. Until there's no more hurt feeling, until I found peace and true happiness, until i forget, until I could laugh again for real, and until I could say that this smile does not only masks my true feelings. I look forward for that day, when these are finally over. That I could say, "I moved on"

Last note

Ever since, it was so hard for me to do the talk, to blurt how much it hurts to me, or to even ask if are we still happy, or if there's something wrong, or are we still "we". Nevertheless, the time has come. Because I am such a big coward, he had to do it.

At this time, that i am writing this blog, i dont really know how do you call it official or do you really need the "closure". But as on how he chatted me this morning, i claim it. I know being hurt is a natural feeling. To cry out loud is too. I shed tears, i felt a stab in my heart. But i dont really know why don't i feel a lot. Maybe because this is what i wanted for so long. I always hold on for no reason. And today, there is no reason to hold.

I just want to say I'm sorry. For not telling you what I feel. Maybe because we're not used on telling each other's feelings. Sorry for not making this relationship meaningful. I am that kind of person that do not reciprocate something that wasnt done upon me. It was too late for me to realize that even though it was not done upon me, i should be the one to do the part. I should be the one to fill out the missing words in the blank. I shouldve showed you ME, shouldve shown and tell you love, even though there's nothing in return.

Sorry for the twitter posts. It does not all pertain to you. I admit, some of it. I was the only way that i thought where i could blurt out all my sadness, hurt, how much i hate missing you but you did not miss me at all.

Sorry for expecting too much. I know, i told you the time i said yes to you that i hate to expect from you and i dont want to happen again, but i did anyway. If it does put pressure on you, sorry.

Thank you for the short memories, countless chats, treats, gifts, mall dates that started out when we're still friends. Thank you for the surprises, even though you did not intend to. Thank you for the pecks on the cheeks, the time you hold my hand when we cross streets. Best of all, thank you, for being my first ever love. It was a whooping 7 months of more than silence but others see as one of those real cute couples and it was an overwhelming feeling for me that they are glad to see us together. It was the happiest birthday, it was surprisingly the greatest gift: when i say yes to us. We agreed to see if it will work out. Still, things has come to an end. This is what i wanted to ask you a long time ago, but i did not have the courage to do, because i am scared to end it.

It will be way off better as friends. Just like old times, with no pressure. If it's us, love will find a way. If it's meant to be, God will do the way.

Stay healthy. I know you always stay up late because of work. Put more time and effort to your friends, your family, and to your future special someone.

This i say, goodbye to the usual US. I hope you don't seenzoned me, even we stay friends on facebook. We're still friends anyway.

Okay, now i'm crying for real. Haha. Sorry. I really can't help it. But anyways, i hope he look after this blogpost.