Hashtag: 2014

Another year of ups and downs will come to an end. There would be another year to face, and today is about time to post my traditionally yearend blog. Haha. It was not an easy year for me, kabaligtaran of what I had expected. Sorry if this post would be more of a down turner. Besides considering it a devastating year, i was also writing it with a depressed mood. Sorry.

As I had told, yes, it was devastating. But every story has its lesson learned. I'll make it a little bit short, for I may be crying a bit at the midst of composing it.

SAME CAREER, NEW CHALLENGES

The year started me with a bang on my career. I am still working as a community health nurse, but I am (was) now on a contract with greater compensation. It was overwhelming, grateful thing to start of. I know I will be loving my career more, and will be able to make my parents proud. As I work hard, I was able to learn more of the programs that I am aware, yet, cannot be able to put on practice before, but now I can, was delegated to task independently, and stress myself (yes, stress myself. Wala e, it was always with me) to the job. Made few and more friends, develop a good teamwork with my colleagues, and voice out what the job description has to do with me. Yes. There were times that I have to fight for what I think my contract job has to do with us, and I may sound disrespectful most of the time fighting for that matter. Despite of it, i am grateful to them (my bosses) because they had let me talk, understand and put my opinions to consideration, and I succeed to make a good deal between them, both parties to benefit. It was a chaotic work environment, but I develop a good sense of being my second family with them. I was working with them for about three years now. Many times I have thought of giving up. But I stay and work with them with flexibility, by the fact that at the end of this year, I was awarded by the facility with NDP of the year, maybe because of the most number of deliveries. (Jusko. Haha) Still grateful having this career and the workmates. Still hoping to stay for another year contract.

BLOOD WILL BE ALWAYS THICKER THAN WATER

My family was not as big (and extended) as any other families. We just reunite whenever the situation calls (on my father's side, every November 1st, when we have to visit the elders at cementery). Sometimes, and you'll never know, reunions may be the last.

At the moment, I was tested to few things: my ability to nurse a family member (my tito), even if to see them at that situation breaks your heart, my faith, my patience, and my courage to bind my family despite of the distance and hindrances. I felt myself to be at my lowest, physically, mentally and emotionally, etc. I barely sleep and eat at the hospital premises for more than two weeks, changing places with my mother, helping her thoughout my tito's hospitalization and everything, I go to work late, and go out early, my social life was spared, my daily routine had vanished for a while. My thoughts were as bad as hell, prayed wrongly, for I was desperate for hard things to end, just to achieve peace with everything. My heart was filled with anger, seeing my mom suffering alone with the situation. Still at the end, I repent with what I blurted badly, for treating them without understanding them. The situation hurted me so bad, that when my tito died, it was the peace we all wanted, it was like answered prayer. I was still sorry, but I was also grateful to God, He had tied up my family stronger. That it was still family that will be on the go to help whenever the situation calls. It was still family whom you'll be with whatever happens. It was still family whom you'll love.

LOST AND CAN NEVER BE FOUND

This made my year so devastating. I had lost so many things, material things, special people in my life, etc. Though I was always told that "May magandang kapalit yan" I was so frustrated because I was way too sentimental. I cried a lot when I lost my bag while on duty. I didn't mind the money that I'd lost, but the planner, the black notebook (with important notes related to my work journals) and my license was way too hard to lose.

Losing people was way harder. I mentioned my tito earlier; my ninong's death was another. It feels like it was way too hard to bear to see my father had lost his bestfriend, the one he's been talking through phone and talked for hours about anything and everything, his spiritual adviser, etc. I can still remember days before his interment, his body lies at Don Bosco Church in Makati, where I was baptized. He was my favorite ninong. He would be the first acquaintance congratulating me with my success, asking me how i had been dealing with work and all and encouraging me. He was a great godfather.

And there was losing love...

DEALING WITH RELATIONSHIPS

For the past few years and way back college, the depths of friendship and building relationships with people was not a big deal to me. Until this year, I learned what's in between.

I commit a relationship with a guy I love, and talking about losing love, we never succeed in trying to make the relationship last. I was on the hunt of what this relationship really means, despite of the conflicting schedules, losing time with each other, bare talks, etc. I am that kind of person who do not reciprocate what was not done upon me. I mostly end the day grumpy because I did not recieve a single personal message from him, missing him that much, and it feels like I was not missed back. They asked me to try something that I should initiate, for in that way, he may realize my worth. I tried a bit, I was not on the courage to do it, and it doesn't work at all, and it was too late. I was not the one who broke up, but that is what I really want to, but I can't because I was scared. I was way too bitter knowing that he told someone that I was the one who broke up with him (now you know and thank you to my breaking-up-tone-twitter-posts). I don't know if I was still on the process of moving on, or I had move on. There's just one thing I know: I'm okay with a day seeing him and not talking to him but I can't stand seeing him longer. People can joke around us, but I don't bother anymore. So sorry but past lovers cannot become friends anymore. (Friends sa facebook, pwede)

Bestfriendships: has anyone believe that you can turn friends to bestfriends in an instant? Been there, done that. It was just because of me going through a lot of stress and serious problems, and him, (yes i have now a guy bestfriend) going through a lot of heart and self dillemas, and we had each other on the other line for weeks, sharing secrets and all, realizing that having each other on the side despite of all the lows of life would make it better. The thing is, we have to keep it to ourselves as possible to avoid people's judgement; to avoid people who will keep on telling us that "hey, we won't believe that it was just bestfriends so shut up". It was a hard thing to bear, but we kept the friendship last.

He was my ego booster, my knight in shining armor, my confidante, my clown, my pseudoboyfriend. Having a guy bestfriend had made me to learn many things; one is he made me understand guys a few more (and guys are also emotional like girls, and guys also cries so hard. Haha),to be more corageous and "maabilidad sa buhay" etc. It was easy to fall in love with him, being such a great person, but then I told myself I won't and I'll stick to that. There were times that made me think and assessed my feelings, but at the end, 'no' would be a better answer. There was only one thing that I really want, and that is to become free from other people's speculation when it comes to this bestfriend thingy. As I was composing this post, we are on that process, and I am grateful that those people whom we thought would say anything so, still accept the fact. I was ashamed, that he was the one who do the talking (without me) at that time, and had to bear all the feedbacks. I was on the merge of thoughts of breaking up the bestfriendship and degrading it to just friends because (1) there were things (breaking trust, abruptly changing decisions, etc.) I had done that doesn't deserve me to be a bestfriend at all (2) I don't want to end up being other girl's jealousy.

I know he was aware of everything. I am super thankful of having him as my gbf (guy bestfriend) and I still hope to have him as my bestfriend longer than everyone could ever imagine, even though he'll be entering a relationship soon.

I know these guys will be reading this soon. I am sorry if I was such a trash to make these relationships-turned-sh*ts. I was not strong enough to hold on.

24 PROBLEMS

Do you ever noticed that there were no post about my 24th birthday? Yes, there was none, because I just spend my entire 24th birthday on bed, crying myself to sleep. Maybe because I accidentally wished for a longer sleep, and I was throwing tantrums (and was returned back at me, and a silent world war III had broke between me and my parents) on a birthday celebration matter. What a happy birthday with no candles to blow, and no special thing to celebrate.

Still, I had recieved late presents (actually silly and funny) and long messages on facebook from my close friends. Still grateful for another year, and will look forward for another...patiently.

JUSTICE AND JUDGMENTS

For the past few years, I was way too humble, that I cannot fight for what I think was right. I was surrounded with different people who had strong personalities and I adapt to them. But by this time that I was the one who was about to fight, I felt I was judged. Yes, with the hyper toned voice I had, it felt like I was way too "mayabang" "bossy" or "mapangmataas" "laging galit". Guilty by plead, I was doing actions and blurting words without further scanning them and ending up hurting people.

There, I was way high-pitched, stress-looking, and then it was followed by "masungit". Ok. That was me. Haha.

Then, some people won't understand how hard it is to do this certain nursing job. Nurses undergo a fast decision making when it comes to emergency situation, and one mistake will lead to many speculation. I hope they do understand the sacrifices and effort that has been done on trying to save someone's life, before you tell nurses how "t*ng*" they are. We know what to do. We always ask and inform patient's safeguard and consequences between situations because we also avoid malpractices and negligence. We do actions and we never just stare while you suffer from all sorts of pain. We advice what's best thing to do. But the blame was still on us because we never pleased you after taking things to considerations.

And, even if they asked about you and the situation of your heart, and you keep on telling them you're okay, and just laugh with it (and you were joking bitter tones) they won't believe you and insist that you are not. Haha. Okay. #nagtanongkapa #ehwalanakongpake

At the end, I'm sorry, I was just a person who can never please anybody.

MATURITY, EMOTIONS, IMMATURITY

"Tumatanda yata akong paurong. Kung kelan naging bentekwatro saka nag-aasal bata."

That was one line I told my friend few weeks back, and we just laughed about it because its true. When we are having late night fb convos with my guy bestfriend, most of the time, I was way too emotional that we were blackmailing each other with "Sige mag-emote ka pa, hindi ako kakain". Sorry gbf, I know I was such a headache for asking too much attention, that even encouraging me so hard, it won't help.

By this time I was composing this post, I deactivated my facebook account...again! My hormones are not helping me to find myself back. I can't understand why I'm acting childish. It felt like a stab in my heart. It was supposedly a happy new year, but I was on my low side today. I may end my year with this (last ko na to) but not starting another year staying like this. Just wanted to be alone for a while. (for 12 hours. Lol) Cant understand why im acting like this. Maybe i have #clingyprobs with people I feel going too far from me, losing them at contact. Maybe I had been too tired with all the bullsh*ts and stress, at home and at work. I wanna cry so hard but I can't. Tired of being too emotional, but can't find reasons to stay happy.

But i have these people in my life who taught me how to think mature, because it was how they act. They had this mindset of reality. And they woke me up from my dream. I became overwhelmed with happiness that i forgot to think that i was way beyond from what is real. Having life of your own, your future, your self existence is the real thing. I just turned 24. I am 24. I should be going through stability. I should be facing adulthood. I should be thinking of what's ahead of me by utilizing what I have today. They were way acting too emotional than me, but they show me what's real in life, what's with the present. Life's not a chill thing but you should work on it slowly and certain things would fall upon on the right place, at the right time.





Okay, enough with the woes and everything. This was me telling myself to get up and better have a new year's resolution, right? To overturn things and put them in organize. To woke up and seize every day. To start coping up. Accept to let go things and never wait for them to be back like they've used to. To cut down overthinking and depression. To find the joy you've been longing for. To don't stress yourself to what people say upon you. To take care of those who love you. To have stonger faith and courage. To put an effort to get more closer to God.

Thank you for those people who had been part of this year. I've been with so many faces and places as well.

To 2015 and beyond.
Happy (almost) New Year. :)

-Maimai-
ig: @mhayemaimai

#randomthoughts

wag mo nlng ako msyado isipin. gumagawa lng siguro ko ng sarili kong problema at iisipin. Hays. Kung andito k siguro s tabi ko bka binabatukan mo na ko at sasabihing ang arte ko. Hays. Ang lakas ng topak ko noh?

Wala lng. I just randomly fought with other people, pissing off myself, and ending it with pissing off others. Hays.

Its just pathetic. I am.

Sorry for not being one of the positive person anyone can have. Hays. I've never been happier. Yes, you can see me laugh and everything, but deep inside, im still broken. Maybe because i cannot appreciate what i have. Hayy bat ba dito napunta.

Im sorry. Feels like i dont deserve something, or even some people, that they just randomly left. Yeah, they're just there physically, but..they were not 'them' already.

Dati ako yung may sabi nyan, ok lang magbago, kasama sa buhay yan e. Bakit kung kelan nag bente kwatro na ko eh tila bumalik ako sa 4 y/o. Feeling ko ang hirap ko iplease. Feeling ko nagtatantrums ako. I feel immatured. I feel insecurities on small things. Parang hindi ako yung 'mai' na nagsulat nung mga katagang nasa birthday blogpost ko last 2013, yung about sa 'i still feel young'. Hindi ko na maintindihan yung sarili ko. Im lost :(

Minsan darating yung panahon.

#DABNKPLC

Isheshare ko sana ito sa isang pm with a friend, but then i thought, why not share it with the whole wide web. :)

Dear Alex, Break na kami. Paano?! Love, Catherine

This was a book written by Alex Gonzaga. Kita naman sa title di ba, na desperately need ko yung book, so mega search ako sa lahat ng nearest national bookstore. Keme kung wala pang sweldo. Basta kelangan mapasakamay ko. Kung sinu-sino pa dinamay ko maikot lang lahat ng National para sa book, but still failed. Been busy for a month that i forgot about it. Then, just a night ago, kakauwi ko lang sa bahay, about 11pm, i was about to change clothes ang prepare to sleep, pag open ko ng cabinet, i saw the brown paper bag na nakapatong sa mga damit ko. I thought it was just a paper bag that i kept (i mostly do, ewan ko), then nakita lo yung tatak, Powerbooks. Nagtaka nq kc never pa naman ako nakabili sa powerbooks. Pagtalikod ko nung paper bag, may Happy Birthday. Dali dali open ng paper bag, voila! The book. Grabe tili ako ng tili. The search is over ;)

I told myself na this book might be the answer to my heart issues. (See my previous blog about being brokenhearted) Sobrang aminado ako na bitter ako, and timing yung book na ito for me, i believe. Baka ito makapagpabago ng pananaw ko. I know i can survive this heartbreak, and its been 3 months, matagal na, and i should probably moving on, and this book might be the one who'll slap me with that thing.

Love, Lies and Heartbreak at Chapter 1

Compared kay Alex, isa lang ang naging excess baggage ko. Pero nakita ko yung sarili ko sa kanya, mga qualities n meron din ako like alex, at navisualize ko yung events sequence na nangyari din sa akin. Actually, kaya ko ding ilahat like alex kung what went wrong.

Should I stay or should I go?

She made me realize, though i am aware, that it was the right thing that we go our separate ways. Even i was really in the process of moving on, she elaborated more about what should i feel and what should not. What should i look forward, what questions i ask myself, finding out the answer to myself, in my own realization.

The survival guide

When that moment came, yes i've done things: i cried a lot, i wallowed, i go out with my friends, i told stories, bangkera ako, i shop, i go out with guys, lol. And i know until now andun pa din ako s process. I even gain my ego booster recently in a form of my guy bestfriend, but i hope this would not get me (or us) wrong. Its just i am overwhelmed that now, i have someone whom i can lean on and act like a pseudoboyfriend and make me feel that im still worthy and special to some other guy, which i never felt from my ex. Happy ako sa ganun...*

Walk with God: Faith, Hope and Love

Pero sa lahat ng tumatak sa akin from this book ay yung part of having a new relationship. A stronger relationship with much better, and that is with God. The relationship that will require communication but it'll be guaranteed constant. The relationship with trust, that He'll guide you and give you something according to His plans.

#LGMO
"Insecurities will eat you up. So I suggest you eat your insecurities and poopoo them"

Sabi ko nga, bitter ako. Dahil blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Wala akong narinig na masama against him or directly hitting me. Bitter ako sa fact na hindi nya nagawa sa akin yung ganito nung kami, na he let me feel like im nothing to him most of the time. Na bakit sa iba ganon yung nakikita ko, pero bakit sa akin walang ganun. Yung totoo, ano ba ako? Taas ng insecurities ko na nadala ko hanggang ngayon. The moment that they talked about him? I always talked like "wala namang kwenta yun." It was hard for me to accept but i know burdening it all will just bring the hurt all the way.

*Happy ako sa ganun...Joy versus Happiness

Take note of the happy. The book also made me realized to find and feel Joy, instead of just happiness. Happiness was just temporary superficial feelings, but Joy was superb pala. I can't determine the joy right now, dahil alam kong pagdadaanan ko din muna lahat bago ko makamit yun. Sa ngayon, I can afford to seek and find my happiness. I hope my joy was in process.

Ideals vs. Standards
I also learned ideals vs. standards. I saw guys and having bae crush on them, making them realize that they are my ideal kind of guy. But i once told my bestfriend: "ang gusto ko lang naman sa lalaki ay yung yayayain or sasamahan ako magsimba". That made me realize that standards are different from ideals and the first one is a big deal. Ang sarap sa feeling na alam mo na standards mo.

Reciprocating like a box of apples theory

I had problems with reciprocating in my past relationship. I had never done what was not done upon me. Before the relationship broke, i was once told that "sana ikaw yung kumilos, para narealize nya na mahal mo sya." But i think kahit hindi ko nagawa yun, it was still alright and i should not regret. Coz the book has told me that it takes two to tango, and a relationship is a give and take process, just like a box of apples you had and a box of orange he had, that you should share equally.

Getting up for The One

Upon closing the book, I made 3 promises to myself: vomit out the bitterness, seek for my joy, and to have a constant relationship with God. Mahirap pa sa ngayon na antayin or hanapin yung The One. Hindi ko na lang gustong iexpect at hindi ko iisipin kung sino yun. Alam kong si God lang yung makakapagdetermine kung sino sya. Kung katabi ko na ba sya or mamimeet ko pa lang sya. Kung soon na ba o malayo pa. Basta. I'll give the plans to Him. If I should love again, I know it'll be joy, but if I may deal another heartbreak someday, i know I'll mend again just like today.

The sweetest simple regular message would still be from your greatest bestfriend.

Yea, its a 'him'. Will post a blog soon on how did we become instant guy-girl bestfriend 😄

#gbf

posted from Bloggeroid

20 facts about me..extended version to 25.

20 facts about me
challenged by Kiven Mhokuna

1. I love hugging furry creature that purrs. I am definitely a cat lover
2. Those people who noticed the scar in my upper lip guessed it was a cleft lip, and some of them even compliment that the doctor had done a very good stitch. What they don't know, it was a dog bite.
3. I am currently trying to learn how to play an acoustic guitar (level so far: novice to intermediate. Hahah)
4. I watched "Diary ng Panget" about 15 times (or more than) last month. The most number of times I viewed a single movie.
5. When it comes to twitter posts, I am more straightforward than of my facebook posts
6. I am a Milktea Lover. Period
7. I want to fulfill my own food adventure. I do not eat a lot, but I love buffet restaurants, where you can have plenty of food choices
8. I dream of a date at an artisanal cafe
9. I want to stay at peaceful places (church, coffee shops, etc) but I get conscious of being alone. On the other hand, I consider amusement parks as happiest place on earth.
10. I can walk kilometers, but i don't do runs or jogging
11. I am not afraid of heights. I love overlooking places. You can dare me with bungee jumps or ziplining.
12. I can stay awake 24 hours straight, even more, when necessary. Just offer me a cup of coffee.
13. I love Up Dharma Down, and I have a huge girl crush on Armi Millare. Marvin had made me to be a huge fan. Haha
14. I can't last a day of not checking my facebook account. I once tried deactivating it for 9 days, because i was in a sulk. Apparently, i still logged in.
15. I hate videos that will make you stare at the screen for a long time, then will startle you with the appearance of ghosts and such. Screw them, I'll die of heart attack.
16. I always wanted to be surprised on my birthdays. But I always end up knowing it, and it was not a surprise at all. This year, I still hope for an epic surprise. (Haha sorry friends, it was the truth. Konting push pa)
17. I am a frustrated writer, (nearly) photographer, and singer. Haha
18. I find vintage-designed paraphernalias way too cute. I am willing to collect such things if I could
19. I can't have a good sleep elsewhere unless I am home, on my own bed
20. I am a sentimental person. I keep candy and chocolate wrappers, syringes, tissues with letters, faded reciepts, and anything trash-like given by special people with special memories on it.
21. I hate the routine of sleeping all morning because I worked all night, then waking up late afternoon and will work again at night.
22. I'm a stalker at times of obsession
23. I hate undergoing xrays, but I can't do anything about it
24. I can keep bags, umbrellas and shoes for years of use
25. I think moving on was the hardest part of life

posted from Bloggeroid

It's been exactly a week, since he's been officially out of my life and we end up being just friends. It was a heartbreaking event: my very first heartbreak, but there were no more tears to be shed. It was when i am on my own world, at my own dimension, where i feel the most sadness, the most empty feeling, the hurtful fact that we failed to love each other, and even we end up to friends, the friendship-relationship was not the same as to before we've been as a couple.

I wrote this blog, not only because I wanted to spill out the worst of all feelings, but also to share how i am moving on with the situation with exclusion of the hatred, bitterness, anger, negativities, etc. Because I always wanted to continue living everyday without them. Because I am so tired and so used of those feels, and nothing good happened. Because I know, God had taught me to eliminate those negative feelings, and live life with peace and humbleness, even though life has been rough to me.

So I let myself spent the free living, letting in the short happy moments to be with me every day. It might brought the anger to my father that i was spending most of my time outside, spending much here and there. I may be sorry for it, that I was not able to tell him the truth why am I doing these. But I am grateful because he let me go wherever, even I came home a bit late at night.

My week had gone like this:
First day: Went to SM North EDSA with my bestfriend, visit the Fully Booked and buy Papa Jack's second published book: #EINTLAMOWPJ, ate at Slappy Cakes, do a bit of window shopping, talk at the longest times, reminisced thoughts of him
Second day: duty; read and finished the book
Third day: went to RHU, signed our evaluation forms, shop for new scrubsuits, and do grocery with babycake at mercury drug. Haha.
Fourth day: went again to RHU, brought the printed contracts to be submitted to district office, went to marikina to look at those cute flats and sandals we saw over instagram, went malling and afford myself to have new pair of shoes and a bag
Fifth day: duty
Sixth day: went on an IMAX movie screening of Transformers 4 with a guy friend (ok, they call it a date, but no, i think i'm just hanging out)
Seventh day: this is where I spend the day inside the house (oh finally!), until i was out again and attended a meeting at work; and had talks with babycake
Eight day: so here I am, hanging out with my college barkada for a birthday celebration, chillin' and having talks with them.

I don't know if how long will I live like these before I'll finally realize that things were not as good as it can be, but I should stay strong, and continue to live as normal like how I had done this week. It's as if, whenever I am with a friend, or I went to places, my soul was spending the time seeing things that pleased her. But whenever my alone time would approach, my soul would go back to live on my own body, who had been hurt badly, and sadness will creep again, and i could still feel the pieces of my heart being picked one by one, trying to be fixed piece by piece. Until i fell asleep at night, waking up each morning, thinking of another adventure to conquer for the day. Until there's no more hurt feeling, until I found peace and true happiness, until i forget, until I could laugh again for real, and until I could say that this smile does not only masks my true feelings. I look forward for that day, when these are finally over. That I could say, "I moved on"

Last note

Ever since, it was so hard for me to do the talk, to blurt how much it hurts to me, or to even ask if are we still happy, or if there's something wrong, or are we still "we". Nevertheless, the time has come. Because I am such a big coward, he had to do it.

At this time, that i am writing this blog, i dont really know how do you call it official or do you really need the "closure". But as on how he chatted me this morning, i claim it. I know being hurt is a natural feeling. To cry out loud is too. I shed tears, i felt a stab in my heart. But i dont really know why don't i feel a lot. Maybe because this is what i wanted for so long. I always hold on for no reason. And today, there is no reason to hold.

I just want to say I'm sorry. For not telling you what I feel. Maybe because we're not used on telling each other's feelings. Sorry for not making this relationship meaningful. I am that kind of person that do not reciprocate something that wasnt done upon me. It was too late for me to realize that even though it was not done upon me, i should be the one to do the part. I should be the one to fill out the missing words in the blank. I shouldve showed you ME, shouldve shown and tell you love, even though there's nothing in return.

Sorry for the twitter posts. It does not all pertain to you. I admit, some of it. I was the only way that i thought where i could blurt out all my sadness, hurt, how much i hate missing you but you did not miss me at all.

Sorry for expecting too much. I know, i told you the time i said yes to you that i hate to expect from you and i dont want to happen again, but i did anyway. If it does put pressure on you, sorry.

Thank you for the short memories, countless chats, treats, gifts, mall dates that started out when we're still friends. Thank you for the surprises, even though you did not intend to. Thank you for the pecks on the cheeks, the time you hold my hand when we cross streets. Best of all, thank you, for being my first ever love. It was a whooping 7 months of more than silence but others see as one of those real cute couples and it was an overwhelming feeling for me that they are glad to see us together. It was the happiest birthday, it was surprisingly the greatest gift: when i say yes to us. We agreed to see if it will work out. Still, things has come to an end. This is what i wanted to ask you a long time ago, but i did not have the courage to do, because i am scared to end it.

It will be way off better as friends. Just like old times, with no pressure. If it's us, love will find a way. If it's meant to be, God will do the way.

Stay healthy. I know you always stay up late because of work. Put more time and effort to your friends, your family, and to your future special someone.

This i say, goodbye to the usual US. I hope you don't seenzoned me, even we stay friends on facebook. We're still friends anyway.

Okay, now i'm crying for real. Haha. Sorry. I really can't help it. But anyways, i hope he look after this blogpost.

Unrequited Love

Totoo nga bang there's unrequited? Or i am not giving something kaya there's nothing returned? Ako kasi yung tipo ng taong kung hindi mo gagawin sa akin, hindi ko din gagawin sa'yo. Yes, there's something wrong bout it. Kasi di ba, dapat you should give without expecting in return? Especially on love? Pero di ba nga din, dapat pareho kayo nagbibigay? Pareho nyong mahal yung isa't isa? Pareho kayong nagbibigayan? Minsan hindi ko din maramdaman kung may naibibigay akong pagmamahal, pero tinatry ko naman eh. Kasi ayoko na sa huli, masasabi sa kin na "ikaw kasi eh, hindi mo naman ako minahal" o kaya "hindi ko naramdaman". Marunong ba kong magmahal? Mahal ba kita? No, mahal kita!

Eh ikaw ba? Sau ba? Mahal mo ba ko? Ano ba ko sau? May mali ba sa akin? May kulang ba? Ano bang hindi ko maprovide sa iyo? Did you have wrong decisions bout us, bout this? Why do i feel this way? That something's wrong? That we're missing the us. That there's nothing to be returned coz we're just nothing.

And let's go back to unrequited. 💔

posted from Bloggeroid

Get up for reactivation!

Masakit para sa akin ang mag deactivate ng facebook. Kasi doon ako kinocontact ng mga friends, workmates ko sa tuwing may kailangan sila sa akin. Pero kasi, facebook account ko ang nagsisilbing medium of emotions ko, lalu na pag napaka-emo ko. Kaya di ko maiwasan yung mga tao pupunahin ako. And i really hate it! It's like "hey its my fb acct so why do you care? If you hate me posting then hide me on your newsfeed, or better unfriend me." (As if naman i have the conscience to tell that to anybody right?) Yes, im emotionally constipated (lols) and i can't help it sometimes. But think of it as me seeking attention when i need it because i feel so alone. Pero no one cared.

So I decided to deactivate my facebook account for a while for four reasons: 1. See if someone will eventually notice it. 2. See if that someone who noticed it would find me. 3. If he/she noticed and think of finding me will seek for another way of communicating me and will wonder and ask me why. 4. And if they ask me to bring back my facebook acct. To sum it up, i want them to miss me, like missing me for being gone forever.

As days passed, i was successful on my mission, but it does not make me convinced to bring back my acct.asap. Let them miss me more and let them seek for me for that long. Sorry for being such a bad girl because of these. Maybe it would be happier for you not seeing my emo posts. Atleast for now, i rest in peace for a while

Thinking of it as penetensya na din for reflecting upon myself and at least make repentance for my life mistake, it took more days for this deactivation to continue. Though, i did not make the right way of repentance, it was surreal for me that being so mean on deactivating was a big mistake. Thinking they are getting used on me being gone. I feel sorry for those things, for giving people cold treatment as giving revenge on giving it to me at the very first place. Me deactivating doesn't make any sense. I think it would never change a thing. People whom i annoy on facebook would still hate me, and that would never change if i decided to bring it back. I am still annoying btw. Sorry for doing nonsense things that i thought one of anybody would beg me.

I felt just sorry for myself. Nagtiis ako. Hindi ko nakamtan yung total peace of mind. Pero nakamtan ko yung goal na may naghanap sa akin. Na may nagungulit na mag facebook na ako. Pero siguro kaya hindi ko nagawang bumalik agad dahil sa iisang taong gusto kong gawin sa akin yun: oo hinanap nya ako, gumawa sya ng paraan (kahit papano, pero siguro nakulangan ako) pero anong ginawa ko, pinakita kong nagtatampo ako, na hindi man lang nya ako hinanap at nung time na hinanap nya ko, nag joke pa sya ng hindi maganda. Kaya lalo akong nainis, lalong nangibabaw yung poot na hindi naman itinuro ng Diyos na pairalin. Akala ko sa pagdedeactivate ko makakahanap ako ng peace, pero hindi. Ipinakita ko yung sama ng loob ko. Kasi punung puno ako nun. Hindi lang sa iisang tao, kundi sa mga taong hate ako, sa mga taong biglang nagtampo, at kahit sa mga taong wala namang ginawa. Damay damay.

Pero gusto ko ng tigilan. Ayoko na ng hate. Ayoko na ng poot. If you hate me, then so be it. I never pleased anybody coz i'm not perfect. I would never push anybody to love me. And if I return, thanks to those people who was there, waiting for me, who will tell me to not do it again, for they need me more to see what's on me and what's on my mind.

When i get back, i wish they feel that i was found again. They missed me more, ipamukha nila sa akin that there's more i missed, and let me feel important to have me back on facebook.

Thanks for missing me guys. Babalik na naman ang emotionally constipated friend niyo sa facebook. Sana napagttyagaan nyo pa ako. Di katulad nung mga naiinis sa post ko.

If you don't like me, hide me. If you hate me more, feel free to unfriend me.

Goodbye and Hello again.

Up Dharma Down...Oh I loved!

"Di mo lang alam, naiisip kita...Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako"

What a catchy line from UDD's hit single "Oo". Wew. Years ago, I just sang along with Iluminada's theme song "Tadhana" which gave us LSS blues; and I first heard "Oo" when one of my college classmate sang it in a videoke in a carinderia near school. But then just last year, my guy friend Marvin had just influenced me the craziness over Armi Millare (that lady lead vocalist of the band), from downloading "Sana", and letting me hear "Indak" next; quoting every favorite song lines. Then, I fall a bit, from seeing Armi's cool short haircut. Haha.

It was a regret for me, when there was a supposedly opportunity to see Dharma in live gig at Eastwood. Sad story, I refused to push through, coz it was a late night gig in Publiko. I just saw the videos of that gig on a friend's Ipad who happened to be there that night.

I started to like UDD by following Armi's IG account (actually it was Armi alone, and I am not yet familiar with the three guys. Haha) and seeing similarities (like, Armi loves cats!). I downloaded four of their songs, (I manange to mention before, the fourth one is Anino, then replace Tadhana with Luna) and play it on repeat.

But then, another good opportunity came, to see them live at Taguig. Long cut of the story: I deactivated my facebook acct, coz no one wants to come with me. But in short, I still got the three of us to see the band at Mckinley on a sunday night! Yay!



It was a starstruck moment when I first took glance at Armi on the side stage, waiting for a ready signal to come up. Oh, her "maamo" face, and that hair! My eyes automatically focused on her as she sang the first song (which i am not familiar, but it doesn't matter). Friends telling me "the time has come, you were about to see your ultimate girl crush" and I do agree! This is me, in identity versus role confusion. Lols. For that moment, I was about to melt, seeing her even though it was distant, and my own phone camera couldn't capture her face well, and only can manage short blurry instavids. A set of 10 song, i think, made my night. It was actually an awkward crowd, knowing that people in that place were quite, elite, you know, i-just-drop-by-and-there-was-a-band-playing-so-lets-hear-them. But i prefer seeing them in a quiet crowd, that a crowd which was way gaga and crazy that you can't hear a single thing from the performers coz all you heard was screaming from behind. Sad story, the band ended the night with goodnight without giving any signal that it will be the last song of the set.



But, the night may have gone and all, I still have the one-of-a-kind chance: to stand beside her and to have a picture with her, and the band! That feeling when I greeted her good evening, and I just want to melt, while chills running through my bones while we were side by side. An aww-kward moment. But whenever the thought enter my mind, it was crazy! I am so lucky, like, hey, don't wake me up yet! I'm still dreaming.





It was an awesome fab night for me and my two companions. My IG account would say it so. Haha. And now, I just can't resist the thought and obsession of listening to Capacities songs (the latest album, which has the most songs played on that gig night), stalking Armi's 1000+ IG posts, and reviewing the site (now I already knew the three guys of UDD by the name of Ean, Carlos, and Paul)

I hope to saw them again, whenever the chance would be able to allow us. Up Dharma Down was such a good band, and Armi definitely have this goddess voice that I really can't resist. Terno Night at Venice Piazza last sunday was such an astonishing moment I had. ❤

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Confessions of a food seeker entry one: Project Pie

Hello blogosphere!

It was like, what? Months ago? When I last posted a blog. Wew. That is how busy I am: with all the duties of being a nurse (Supernurse btw!) and facebook-ing all day. Hahaha.

Hmmm...

Since i have this resolution of...weight gaining? Yeah? Haha (just like a joke. Lols) I thought of starting a new adventure in life: i'll call it "confessions of a food seeker" hahahah.

Okay, for my first entry: Project Pie



How I discovered it: Actually, I 'liked' a lot of pages in fb with regards to the food places i would like to visit. Well, I saw this on fb, on one of my fb friend's post, coz they ate there days before my bestfriend and I set a date for us to bond...and seek for a place to eat.

I saw bad reviews on how bad this place was: long serving time, wrong pizza, not good customer service etc. Well I got a little bit intimidated with the reviews and all, but I thought of giving it a try amd see for myself.

So my bestfriend and I went to this pizza place: their branch on eastwood and had the adventure of our make-your-own pizza!

upon queueing and eye-ing the menu stand, a crew assist us on what we should expect of this place. (Accomodating: 1pt!). We decided to order a make-your-own pizza, and a readily customized one (2). As we approach the first counter, stating our orders and names, as a crew attends to make our thin crust pie and placing our chosen tradinional red sauce. Then, we were led to the second counter, where we point out the ingredients that we want for our pizza. As we finished layering the toppings (including the cheese yum yum) the pies are placed on a very hot oven. A crew on the third counter held me two piece of paper mat with my name spelled "mike" instead of "mai" (which was i told the first lady and i spelled it out loud) I recognized the mistake and ask to correct my name, because i am scared of getting my order messed up with others. Haha. Then I pay our orders on the checkout counter and my bestfriend take turn on finding a good seat for us. As I was about to seat on the chair, my name was called and our pizza's ready. (Wow that was fast: plus points).

The pizza was good. Perfect crust, tomato sauce were the most tasted ever. The pepperoni tops it all. Plus, i like the china mist tea three times. You called the experience "busolve"

we had the long talks and more laughs with the good food. Sulit! I bought a mineral water with the oh so stylic bottle, just for the sake of the bottle itself. Haha! We took pictures, and the best photobombing we had happened that night!


To top it all, it was good. I would recommend it to those who are asking. Its a must try experience for those who will eat there for the first time. :)